


Memories

by RainOfFire



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e16 Felina, Hurt/Comfort, Multi-POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:41:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainOfFire/pseuds/RainOfFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Walt, Jesse and Uncle Jack are thinking in the last scene of Felina.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Watched the last scene not too long ago and there's so many unspoken words it's heart-breaking! The actors sure can act through their eyes by god. I decided to write this despite not being much of a writer.. so it's not very well written but had to get it out of my system!

Walt hears the scraping of metal on the floor first. He turns his head and sees the body of an unkempt man hunched between two of Jack’s pawns. _Who is he?_ The man’s unwashed hair is sticking to his face with sweat and his beard needs shaved. _He looks like…_ Deep scars scatter his face. _It can’t be…_ His dishevelled clothes are too big for him, hanging on his frail body, stained with dirt and dust, and spots of blood have dried into the material like a muddy brown dye. _It’s not him_. Walt’s gaze moves downwards to the man’s hands, clenched and shaking within the bounds of metal handcuffs that are cutting through his skin. _This man cannot be Jesse_. His eyes follow the chain attached to the handcuffs, past his legs, and to his ankles. Walt closes his eyes to blink, and the room is silent. He thinks he can hear his heart beating in a frantic rhythm while his head is ringing. _It’s not Jesse_. His brain tells him to open his eyes, yet he doesn’t. They keep closed for a few seconds.

“Come ‘ere!” The voice startles his eyes open and he’s back in the clubhouse, Jack is looking at him expectantly. Jack gestures to Walt to come closer as if the man standing next to him is some attraction at the zoo. He feels bad for the guy. Walt doesn’t want to move, in fact he wants to turn away and never come back. But then he remembers why he’s here. Jack and his gang will die and so will Jesse. He steps forward tentatively not able to take his gaze away from the prisoner’s shackles.  
“Take a look at him!” And Walt realises that he doesn’t want to. Instead, he’s staring at the prisoner’s neck. Bruises.  
“Have a gander.” Walt can feel the man’s eyes quiver and hesitate unsure whether or not to look up at his face. Yet he does, and Walt feels a rush of shame. The kid’s braver than he is.  
“He’s my partner. Right partner, right buddy?” Jack’s smug sing-song voice reeks of pure evil. And Walt refuses to listen anymore. He looks at the prisoner’s handcuffs again and sees the slight tremble in the kid’s hands.

Walt’s fingers twitch over his car keys. His brain is playing out the different scenarios. Kill everyone in this room including himself? Should he duck for cover? Should he save J—

“You hurry this shit up? Make it quick?” Jack’s mouth sneaks into a crooked smile as he says it, laughing at his own predicament. He’s on top of the world. He’s got two men who want to kill each other - two men who used to be the best of buddies that created the blue crystal he’s now raking in millions for. Life sure has played out nicely for him and his family. He cocks his head to Kenny, sitting on his new favourite purchase, moving up and down like the clown he is. Behind him, is his little nephew Todd. Now, Todd feels more like a son to him. He’s cute and awkward but still holds a kind of brutality in him that even has Jack unsettled sometimes. But despite all of their shit luck the past few years, now his family stand like Kings. The 70 million dollars his pal Walt passed onto him was a gift and a half. But the countless of millions he’s made since is down to honest and hard-earned graft. Todd suggested too cook because he had a crush on that Lydia woman, and Todd was the one who introduced him to Walter. Todd really was like a lucky charm.

Now he’s standing with his family in the presence of a dead man and a rat. Jack’s not a monster though, he’s willing to make Walt’s death quick and snappy - as a thank you for the few bucks all those months ago. Pinkman, however ain’t so lucky. Jack doesn’t like rats. Don’t like the stink they make and sure as hell don’t like the shit they make. And when Pinkman ratted out his nephew to the DEA, he was going to cut the cry-baby up in the most excruciating slow way as possible. Of course, Todd never let that happen and instead he made Pinkman his very own performing rat fresh from the circus. Now he eats when Jack says he can eat, and sleeps when Jack says he can sleep. The kid doesn’t even speak back to him anymore. Doesn’t try to look brave when he’s cornered by Kenny and the others. He’s like a ragdoll. A ragdoll rat. Looking at him now, Jack can’t help but smirk. Pinkman looks like a sorry soul that’s for sure, he’s even giving Walt a run for his money in the looks department. That’s another gift he’s giving Walt, to be able to see his old partner that betrayed him, looking and smelling like shit. How’s that for a big fat ‘One last thank you before you kick the bucket’ card? But now he’s had enough of the awkward first date glances going on between the two. At this rate they’re gonna be here all day before Dumb and Dumber get to first-base. Just give the kid a punch and get on with it.

Jesse doesn’t know where to look. The humiliation is unbearable. When he first got here, he couldn’t sleep because the thought of Mr. White gnawed into his thoughts. He would first be paralysed to stillness with anger, then he would start to shake until his body would shudder violently with fury and he would punch the dirt walls of the pit until the blood would pour out onto his clothes and leave a puddle on the ground. Then the grunts of hatred would turn into stuttered pants of hopelessness, then to breathless sobs of grief. This would recur every night over and over again until one night it didn’t.

The last time Jesse cried was the night Andrea was shot dead by Todd. It’s as if he cried all his tears out that night and has no more tears left to shed. Actually, it’s as if all emotion was ripped out of his body that night. From then on, Jesse felt nothing. He would occasionally feel thirsty since Todd was bad at remembering to feed him. And when he did, it would either be left-over food from the clubhouse or a bottle of water that had been left in the burning hot sun. When Jesse had first stopped complaining it was because he didn’t have the energy to do so but soon it turned out he didn’t really care. Every morning he would wake up with the sudden blinding of the harsh sun burning his eyes. Then, he would climb up the ladders of the pit and with Todd beside him, hobble to the lab. Todd would remove the handcuffs and attach the cord from the rail on the ceiling to his waist. Then he would cook. After the batch was cooked, measured and boxed Todd would lead him back to his pit. And then, he would sleep only for it to begin again a few hours later.

He had resigned into being their cook slave without really much contest, especially with the picture of Brock haunting him. Jesse tried not to think about Brock too much because it would just remind him of the outside. Freedom. Instead Jesse would make reason with his situation. Maybe he was better off in here than outside? All the people he loved were dead anyway. And he would never be stupid enough to get close to anyone ever again. He had learned that lesson twice now. The best option was to do what he was told and be at peace with his lot in life. He deserved this.

But now, standing in front of the man, the reason that he is here, makes Jesse want to die. He closes his eyes and feels like wishing to his non-existent useless guardian angel to do at least one last thing for him and strike him down dead. The man he has been wishing to strangle with his own hands, the man that has caused him so much pain, the man that allowed him to be taken here will now see what a pitiful lump he has become. It is mortifying. When Jesse first comes into the room with Mr. White standing amongst the others Jesse can’t bear to look at him. Can’t bring himself to see Mr. White look at him with that smug smile he knows too well – the smile that latched onto his face every time he had successfully managed to manipulate him again and again, and again. But when Jack tells Mr. White to come closer and to have a better look at the sorry excuse of a man that he is, Jesse shifts his eyes to look at him. Mr. White looks completely different, his hair has grown back but he looks like a walking skeleton. His skin is pale and his cheeks are caving into the hollows. _He’s dying. Thank God_. Jesse locks his eyes on him - unmoving. He feels strong, as if the man dying is like a small victory for him. Small, but Jesse will take it gladly.

But then Mr. White is in front of him, and before he knows it his eyes - that have been dry for months - are watering. His eyes drop and he’s suddenly overwhelmed with the return of the rapid torrent of emotions rushing through his core. But as quickly as his eyes slip, he’s back forcing himself to look at the man’s face again. Mr White is not even looking at him – his eyes are cast downwards. And Jesse is again reminded of how pathetic he must look to the great _Heisenberg_. Jesse waits for the anger that consumed him months ago to appear again. But it doesn’t. He only feels the screeching pain of pure and utter sadness. Of hurt. His gaze goes back and forth from Mr. White and the floor and he doesn’t know what’s happening. Shouldn’t Mr. White have punched him by now? Jesse doesn’t like the waiting and wishes Mr. White would just twist the knife further and punch him already. Jack says something, Jesse’s not too sure what, something like ‘hurry up’ and there’s a stillness. Jesse doesn’t know how long it is but Mr. White finally looks at him. It feels like a punch in the stomach, so much so he expects to see Mr. White’s fist crashing into his stomach. But nothing moves.

Looking into Mr.White’s eyes, Jesse remembers the words “ _I let Jane die_ ” that came out the very man opposite him. The desert where Mr. White hugged him while Saul stood by. When Mr. White spat into his face listing the cold reality of his life – having nothing and nobody apart from video games and drugs. Jesse remembers that conversation well, the malice in Mr. White’s voice startled him then. And the words that came out even more so. Despite Jesse knowing it was one of Mr. White’s tactics to try lure him back to the business, every word was the truth. He really did have nothing. While Mr. White was saying it to get him on side, it just pushed Jesse further back. It cemented his decision of leaving and not ever coming back not even for the money, because in the end money wasn’t important. He had sold his soul and life for money he would never be able to spend. When he was crying uncontrollably, feeling ashamed of himself at the thought of accusing Mr. White – his partner – of poisoning Brook. And Mr. White being so forgivable and caring. Then the time where they’re standing on the rooftop of the hospital and they’re shaking hands. Jesse was going to hug him then, but stopped himself before he did. When Mr. White came down to the lab where Gus had kept him and shot those guys to save him. When Jesse had shot Gale point blank on the man’s own doorstep. When Walt ran over those drug dealers with his car. When Jesse sobbed into Mr. White’s chest in the crackhouse after Jane’s death while Mr. White comforted him. When he and Jesse spent the weekend holed up in the RV cooking batch after batch, with only themselves for company. When they escaped Tuco and his crazy bell-ringing grandpa. When they wore those stupid pompom masks and used explosive shit to steal methylamine. When Mr. White first asked him to cook meth.

Standing apart like strangers makes Jesse feel uneasy with a heavy weight thudding in his chest. The sad thing is, for Jesse, as he looks at his old partner now, was that he really did end up respecting Mr. White and even thought of him as a friend.

When Jack tells him to hurry up, Walt doesn’t move but instead strains his eyes forward. _It is Jesse_. He knew it as soon as he heard the grating sound of metal chains drag on the ground. He just didn’t want to believe it. But now, looking at the bruises and blood and scars spread on the kid’s young face, he accepts. _This is my doing_. He has caused all of this. What happened to Hank, the break-up of his family, and _this_. Jesse, the only person who would listen to him and do what he said – who he treated the worst until the kid finally snapped, has been left to rot in this prison to cook meth for these scum. Forced to cook the very thing he tried to walk away from.

You wouldn’t be able to recognise Jesse behind the scars, hair and beard if it wasn’t for his eyes. They’re the only thing that remains ‘Jesse’, yet now all he sees in them is pain. He thinks of the first time he spoke to Jesse after seeing him run away from the drug haul. How he had asked- no blackmailed, Jesse into being his partner. If he never had done that, Jesse could have been happy and lived a normal life. He remembers the night, after speaking to Jane’s Dad and then trying to wake Jesse up from his drug-fuelled sleep coma. When Jane started to choke on her vomit and instead of helping her, he just stood and watched. Saw the life of a young troubled girl slowly fade away and having all the power to save her but didn’t. Didn’t because he wanted to help Jesse and to keep him safe. To keep him close. To keep him his. And the time where he poisoned Brock so Jesse would turn on Gus and as a result keep himself safe. When Jesse was torn up about thinking Walt would do such a thing as poison a little kid. When Jesse had tried to leave the business but Walt didn’t let him. The only time he Invited Jesse to his house to have dinner with Skylar and watch him squirm with unease. When he shouted at Jesse, saying he had nothing in his life apart from their partnership. He only wanted to leave because too many lives were being taken, but Walt would not let his grasp on Jesse go. When Jesse finally stood up and walked away. When he put a hit on Jesse. When he revealed to Jack that Jesse was hiding under the car. When he agreed for Todd to torture Jesse. When his last words to him were to reveal he had let Jane die.

It was hard to look at the person he has caused so much pain and suffering - the kid who called the barn a “cow house”, who thought wire was an element, who burned a hole through his bathroom floor with acid, who wanted to “debrief” after the Krazy-8 situation. The kid, who in two years, has been through more suffering than he deserved. The kid who is standing here, unrecognisable now apart from the scared blue eyes Walt has seen too many times.

His fingers twitch over the button and he tightens his grasp. He breathes in slowly, and then lunges forward tackling his friend onto the ground.

 

 

_“You and I working together. Having each other’s back. It’s what saved our lives.”_

 

**End.**


End file.
